saved by grace

For years, I never believed that my testimony held any strength. There was nothing special, I assumed with a mental shrug, about the moment that I accepted Christ into my heart because it seemed that I had just always been a Christian. I think that this is the case for many of us who are born into Christian homes, and I would like to take a brief moment to correct that fallacy:

No matter who you are, no matter what your background may be, your testimony is the single​​ most crucial weapon you have in your arsenal. Why? Because you were ONCE a sinner, but you have now been saved by grace. When the enemy begins his attack -- regardless of what the battle may be -- you have only to raise your hand in defense and say with authority, "STOP! I belong to God and His Christ now; you'll have to take it up with Them!"

It was about seven years ago that I was asked to share my testimony briefly with a group of ladies, and that moment of sheer panic was the first time I had ever considered the events surrounding my salvation. It was then that I realized, I actually did have a testimony. And every testimony, regardless of its origin, showcases the redemptive power of the cross of Christ.

I was born into a Christian home. My father is a preacher and so also was my grandpa. Both of my parents were, and are, God-fearing born-again examples of who I ought to one day become. During my childhood, I watched from a distance as they led a life of faith the like of which I can only dream of imitating, but although there was never a time in my life that I didn’t attend church, attending church alone wasn't enough.

I grew up saying “the sinner’s prayer” at every church service I attended, and I truly meant it will all my heart, every time. I longed for the truth of salvation to be manifested in my life and was terrified that those prayers wouldn’t work because even as a child I knew that I was a sinner. Yet, despite the desire in my heart, no matter how desperately I wanted to do His will, it was impossible for me to make the right choices. I knew all the Bible stories, both new testament and old. I listened to my Sunday school teachers and then to my dad as he preached each Sunday and taught in-home bible studies. But even so, I was still unable to take those things I knew and actually apply them to myself. Nothing I did made me able to do what I knew was right, and as a child I understood that completely. I even secretly despised some of my closest friends because I saw the goodness in them that I so desperately wanted to see in myself.

I suffered with anger throughout my childhood and teenage years, and my temper was impossible for me to control. My twin sister would provoke me, and I would literally see red. I would lash out uncontrollably and do things which would hurt her, either with words or through physical violence, but she was much larger than I was and she would often laugh it off. I was depressed, which I didn’t realize then but understand now, and my self-esteem was so low that at one point, I was planning to run away from home to escape, an ongoing plan over the course of several years—my bags were packed and in the basement, but I hadn’t finished working through my plan and didn’t want to fail.

I remember well the moment that my life changed. My sister and I were staying with friends, an older couple in their 70s who had been missionaries to Italy in their latter years. I don’t know exactly what had happened during the course of the day to cause my sadness, but I do remember the end of that day.

My sister and I were sleeping in the same room at their house in separate twin beds, and I remember rolling to my side away from her, curled into a ball with my knees tucked up to my chest as I hugged them tightly. I was sobbing in despair, and in that moment, I cried out to God. I begged him to help me because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I asked him to take away my anger and to change me, to make me the person I knew He wanted me to be. And do you know what? He did! In that moment, He took away my temper—completely! It's gone, I haven’t see it since (that was 18 years ago), and on that day, I know that I truly became His child, because from that day forward, He slowly began to help me change those things in my life that I hated.

The amazing thing about our God is, He knows how to bring us to the point where we have no other choice but to reach out to Him. I sometimes think back to my childhood and wonder about my early years; about why my salvation was such a struggle and why my stubborn will refused to relent to His. But then, I bow my head in gratitude as I prayerfully thank God for placing me -- despite my stubborn faults -- in a household with Godly parents who taught me how to live a faithful life of service.